Yoga Joe

The staff association where BowlingWidow works recently organized a weekly yoga class that they’re holding on Monday afternoons from 5 to 6 pm. My idea of exercise is to put the iPod ear buds in and hit the elliptical machine for 30 minutes at the Boeing Recreation Center. Doing bendy things has never been my forte.

Still, when she asked me whether or not to pick up an extra yoga mat for last Monday, I gave her an emphatic “yes” and told her I was ready for the challenge. Until now, the closest I’d been to a yoga experience was listening to George Harrison albums while burning musk incense in my twenties. These days though, the biggest question I had was, “Will stretching and getting in touch with my inner self translate into more pinfall on the bowling hardwoods?”

We arrived on time in our sweats, unrolled the mats and took our shoes off. We had to sign a waiver agreeing not to hold the workplace liable in the event that something very bad happens. Great, they were expecting me to snap like a pretzel stick .

Being "bendy" is a struggle for some of us
The instructor introduced himself to the class. He was probably in his early 50s and looked to be in great shape, like he’s been doing this for a long time. He was soft-spoken and seemed “enlightened” to me, as though he’d been sniffing some musk incense of his own. His demeanor and phrasing reminded me of the late Bob Ross. You remember him. The frizzy haired artist on public television who liked to paint “happy little clouds” and trees and mountains…..

He started us out by sitting with our legs folded, doing a few sustained movements and poses from that position. Actually it was more than just a few. I looked at the clock and nearly 15 minutes had gone by. He told us to relax and take in the ambiance of our surroundings. I had a hard time with that since I was feeling like two teams of NFL linebackers were having a tug of war contest with banjo string-tight muscles in both my hips. BowlingWidow looked at me and hoped I’d be able to stand up for the next set of exercises. I was thinking the same thing.

Next up were a series of poses in which we were asked to balance on one leg. Everyone in the room seemed to handle that task with ease. Everyone but me, that is. I felt like I was trying to balance on ice skates. If it weren’t for the chairs we were allowed to use “just in case” I would have made America’s Funniest Home Videos. Joe (another Joe, the creator of the fine blog apparently on hiatus, Captain ILL), the only other dude in the class, was a natural at all of this. In fact, I’m sure he attained the highest level of self-actualization.

One CAN attain self-actualization in one's pajamas
We ended the session with a series of exercises in which we were on our hands and feet, or even laying down. My kind of yoga. Again, our instructor told us to close our eyes, relax and float in space for a while. All fine and good but I never did see those “happy little clouds”. I’ll be back next time to see if I can.