Recently one of my bowling friends suggested that I blog about a little friendly “bragging rights” competition that we’ve been having this season. Bear in mind that my game has been on life support this season and it’s extremely painful for me dwell on this topic. But here goes.
The background: there are four of us (Brian “Cagney and” Lacey, Bill “Minnesota Mauler” Kuhn, Rick “Pull Tab King” Petosa , and myself). Rick and I bowl at the same center, Brian is in the south Puget Sound, and Bill took his act to Minnesota a few years ago. Every week we keep track of our three game league series’ with the highest score garnering 4 points (and the fictitious crown for the week) the second highest 3 points and so on down to 1 point.
This year it’s been the Brian and Bill show as they’re both averaging a respectable 206 pins per game. The Pull Tab King and I are at 186 and 190, respectively, longing for the days when our averages were right there with them.Why the huge variation in scoring? Let me explain using three words: performance enhancing drugs. It’s a dirty little secret in the bowling community. The public in general has no idea of the extent to which the integrity of league bowling has been damaged. Rick and I have repeatedly shown negative results after our required random testing. Sure they found high levels of Cascade hops in our urine that we can't explain, but nothing that falls on the illegal list.
On the other hand, surveillance cameras in the bathroom stalls where Brian bowls clearly show one of his teammates injecting him with anabolic steroids prior to a match. This immediately enhances his lean muscle mass, allowing him to bowl at a pin-crushing 4 miles per hour faster than the rest of us.And remember what a reporter found in Mark McGwire’s locker when he was bulking up with the Oakland A’s? That’s right. Androstenedione. Let’s just say that in Bill’s Minnesota locker he’s got a few more things than a couple of bowling balls, a pair of shoes and a towel. When he lines up on the approach, The Minnesota Mauler has more juice in him than a ripe watermelon.
So there you have it. No sour grapes here. I’m not the least bit upset that, by far, I’m having my worst bowling season in memory. It’s just that those are the facts and I’m sticking to them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to document another of my Elvis sightings.Bill "Minnesota Mauler" Kuhn", Rick "Pull Tab King" Petosa, Brian "Cagney and" Lacey
