Recently one of my bowling friends suggested that I blog about a little friendly “bragging rights” competition that we’ve been having this season. Bear in mind that my game has been on life support this season and it’s extremely painful for me dwell on this topic. But here goes.
The background: there are four of us (Brian “Cagney and” Lacey, Bill “Minnesota Mauler” Kuhn, Rick “Pull Tab King” Petosa , and myself). Rick and I bowl at the same center, Brian is in the south Puget Sound, and Bill took his act to Minnesota a few years ago. Every week we keep track of our three game league series’ with the highest score garnering 4 points (and the fictitious crown for the week) the second highest 3 points and so on down to 1 point.
This year it’s been the Brian and Bill show as they’re both averaging a respectable 206 pins per game. The Pull Tab King and I are at 186 and 190, respectively, longing for the days when our averages were right there with them.Why the huge variation in scoring? Let me explain using three words: performance enhancing drugs. It’s a dirty little secret in the bowling community. The public in general has no idea of the extent to which the integrity of league bowling has been damaged. Rick and I have repeatedly shown negative results after our required random testing. Sure they found high levels of Cascade hops in our urine that we can't explain, but nothing that falls on the illegal list.
On the other hand, surveillance cameras in the bathroom stalls where Brian bowls clearly show one of his teammates injecting him with anabolic steroids prior to a match. This immediately enhances his lean muscle mass, allowing him to bowl at a pin-crushing 4 miles per hour faster than the rest of us.And remember what a reporter found in Mark McGwire’s locker when he was bulking up with the Oakland A’s? That’s right. Androstenedione. Let’s just say that in Bill’s Minnesota locker he’s got a few more things than a couple of bowling balls, a pair of shoes and a towel. When he lines up on the approach, The Minnesota Mauler has more juice in him than a ripe watermelon.
So there you have it. No sour grapes here. I’m not the least bit upset that, by far, I’m having my worst bowling season in memory. It’s just that those are the facts and I’m sticking to them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to document another of my Elvis sightings.Bill "Minnesota Mauler" Kuhn", Rick "Pull Tab King" Petosa, Brian "Cagney and" Lacey
Anabolic steroids? I had to look that up to see how it was spelled. That's how foreign that substance is to me. I see how this farce of a scandal is going down, Joe "Paparazzi" Clark! The only performance enhancer in this 49-year-old body of mine is the bitter boiled extract of hops and barley found in your everyday microbrewed ale. Oh, and I might have a little more synaptic coordination to guide the bowling ball into the pocket. Which tells me it's time for you to practice your game, my friend, if you want to run with the big - NATURALLY talented - dogs. Hee hee!
ReplyDeleteBrian "Cagney and" Lacey
Brian, Bill and Rick are the best. Practice would no doubt help a bit, but clearly my best days are behind me. It was a great run in picking up the great sport of bowling for the last 12 years after a long layoff. To get both a 300 game and 800 series during that time definitely exceeded my expectations. Even on the generous conditions of this new century.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure to what extent I'll be involved in bowling in the future but I'll always hope to continue treasuring the friendships I've made while I was there, with people such as these three guys.
Just remember what I taught you, Clark. Nobody in this group has anything to brag about. Even if you were operating at 90% efficiency, you would be rolling right around 270 on average. Is that good enough? Would you climb on an airplane knowing the wings only had a 90% chance of staying on?
ReplyDeleteEvery time you fail to get a strike, you are forced into a rework loop to try to salvage something, and Lord help you if you can't redeem yourself after one more go.
So even at a 206 average, those bowlers are barely exceeding a 66% First Time Yield (FTY). Wow. How many things can you do, fail 33% of the time, and say you're any good.
I finally quit bowling myself because it was so depressing to look in the mirror, man up, and admit failure. Even worse is golf, where anything more than an 18 is pathetic... No wonder beer has to be such an important part of the equation. :-)
cvow, you've always had a way of putting things into Six Sigma perspective. I guess I have to come back next year to try and have a perfect season and a 300 average.
ReplyDeleteWell here's a small worlder. I would check your blog out once in a while, but as you say it hadn't been updated. Thought I'd take a look today, and only now recognized your name from your posts on Bill's Facebook wall!
ReplyDeleteSeattle's loss in Minnesota's gain. I was friends with Bill in the '80s when we worked at...wait for it...a bowling alley. I was glad when I learned he came back, and only lives about 5 miles away. For the record, I'll put my reputation on the line and say Bill is not on the juice!
Well, TSnide, thanks very much for finding me. It is indeed a small world. Bill is such a good guy and we miss him here in the Puget Sound. I hope you get to keep in touch with him regularly.
ReplyDeleteI checked out your blog and will be a regular visitor. I enjoyed your perspectives on bowling, the PBA, recurring dreams, and...yes...Glen Beck! Like you, I have one 300 game which happened in 2004. Tough break that you left the bucket in the quest for your 2nd one. You and I will both have plenty of chances to get that, though.
I'm planning on getting back to blogging a bit more but "real life" has intervened somewhat lately. If you don't mind, I'd like to put a link to your blog on mine. You're a great writer. How do you find time to do it with all of those kids????
Joe
Thanks for the kind words! Bill and I both work in Eagan, so at a minimum we go out to lunch now and then, plus played a couple rounds of golf last summer.
ReplyDeleteI'd be flattered for you to list my blog, and if you don't mind, I'll do the same. My subject matter is kind of all over the place, with sports getting a little more coverage, and of course bowling. I've even thought of just doing a bowling-only blog...we'll see.
I don't really get much time to blog - about once a week on average. I could blog more if I kept it short, but I always feel the need to write more than a paragraph, and thus talk myself out of starting a post. Hopefully that will change eventually.
Like you, I don't venture into politics as much. I don't like to offend, plus the printed word leads to misunderstandings...I'd rather just discuss the issues in a civil manner in person. Like on your Ireland trip! :) My dream trip is to play the old links golf courses in Ireland - maybe next year!
Sounds great, TSnide. I'll do that within a couple of days. I had to leave town for most of this week and just got back so will catch up with blogging this weekend and add a link. Feel free to do the same. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteWhy have we not heard the Reno report? Inquiring minds want to know!
ReplyDeleteQuick Reno report.....
ReplyDeleteHad a great time, averaged around 180 for the 9 games on the USBC lane condition. All in all, not bad for me. Typically at these tournaments people tend to shoot around 20 pins or so less than their average on a "house shot".